An Extrovert’s Guide to Curing an Introvert (Now with More Snark)

NOTE: This is a satirical article that critiques our social perceptions of both extroverts and introverts. It is sarcastic in nature and not meant to be taken seriously.

In any given situation, you are guaranteed to find quite a unique specimen: a subvariant of humanity that, contrary to all logic and reason, is absolutely terrified of social interaction. These individuals suffer from uncontrollable aversions to their fellow humans, a mortifying lack of social awareness, and a general inability to survive in a room with more than three people. They are commonly seen excessively worrying about social events, desperately avoiding discussions they believe will be “awkward,” and even practicing conversations in advance. If you spot one of these poor souls, approach with caution: you have found an introvert, and it is now up to you to help them overcome their inborn limitations, embrace social activities, and become a normal, healthy, functional extrovert like everyone else.

First, you must immediately capture the attention of the introvert—and never let it go. Approach them boldly and shamelessly. Do not worry about how they will perceive you; whatever you say or do, they will adore you, even revere you, as the person who will finally rescue them from the confused darkness of their introverted ways. Walk up to them with all the confidence in the world, then loudly greet them and introduce yourself. In order to win their trust, pretend to be interested in their life, even if it is profoundly dull (as most introvert lives are). Do not be alarmed if the introvert does not speak throughout the entire interaction; this is their default reaction whenever they are experiencing too many positive emotions to construct an appropriate response. A good five minutes of one-sided conversation should be enough to cement a lifelong friendship—and, hopefully, start them off on the road to normalcy.

Afterward, allow at least twelve hours to elapse before tracking them down and meeting with them again. The introvert may not be pleased to see you, and may even use up some of their scarce speaking energy to tell you that they’d rather be alone, or that they already have friends or other things planned. Whatever they tell you is a lie, a defense mechanism to help them cope with the emptiness of their lives. Rather than getting irritated, allow this to spark your compassion and empathy for them; this is why you must help them. Thus, you must stick to them like your life depends on it, no matter how many times they attempt to get rid of you.

The last step is the most crucial: you need to constantly and consistently push the introvert out of their comfort zone, regardless of how long it takes or how annoyed they become. This often entails forcing them to “loosen up” by inviting them to parties, introducing them to as many people as is humanly possible, and perhaps even setting them up on a blind date. It is imperative that they follow your lead; use every tool at your disposal to convince (or coerce) them to stop being so, well, introverted. Eventually, after painstaking effort on both your parts, you will have successfully converted a struggling introvert, scared of everything outside their bedroom door, into a vibrant and thriving extrovert, ready to dive into the wonderful life they’ve been missing out on for so long.

Follow these simple guidelines, and you should be fixing countless introverts in no time! Remember that as extroverts, we are naturally advantaged and therefore have a moral obligation to assist those who are more socially challenged. It may be tedious, it may wear us thin, and it may make us question why we even choose to define ourselves by such arbitrary and irrational lines of “introversion” and “extraversion” in the first place—but in the end, it will liberate one of our fellow men and leave us with the satisfaction of a job well done, creating a happier, brighter, more extroverted world for us all.